Gems and Quotations
James T. Humberd
807 N. Bel Aire Dr. Burbank, CA 91501
818-846-1495
jimhum@sbcglobal.net
http://www.travel-tidbits.com/
(Many stories, plus many photos each with a story.)
JIM'S GEMS
I started to write a dozen of my Gems, and ended up with a total of nearly 1,750 pages. I went through all the pages, and selected a few dozen of what I had intended to write.
Hope you enjoy them.
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The Eye can See
and
The Heart can Love,
What the Word cannot Describe
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I often told my Sweetie,
“Your beautiful body drives me crazy.”
Her response,“For you that's just a short putt.”
==============
When Sweetie was shopping, my rule was;
If my Sweetie wants it, I will buy it.
==============
I won my Sweetie, and no diploma or peace treaty would ever be
worth as much as that Marriage License!
==============
A Sweetie shopping delay, was a synonym for momentary.
==============
As I sat near her Hospital bed, Sweetie said,
“This must be awful boring for you.”
I responded, “It ain't boring, you're my Sweetie.”
==============
For better or worse, most everybody agrees that
in both its positive and its negative connotations,
my descriptor word is accurate.
My word? Curious!
==============
As you fly over San Francisco,
blocks of row-houses rise and fall over
the never-ending hills.
Sometimes it looks like giant
centipedes are eating the whole scene.
==============
Medical costs could be reduced
if the doctor was not permitted to use a medical procedure,
or prescribe a pill that the patient can not pronounce.
==============
Sweetie was tired,
grass was green,
water was wet,
what else is new,
and she was exasperated and exhausted.
==============
Sweetie's gray-hairs aren't only
from being out of touch with her
hairdresser for too many weeks.
==============
There’s nothing more beautiful
than a beautiful lady.
And the less the clothes,
the more the beauty.”
==============
Your spirit of adventure will be modified by
your gumption for pleasure.
You must demand some reasonable association
between effort and excitement.
==============
There's good news -
there's a lady in the hot tub without her bra.
And there's bad news -
I need one as much as she does!
==============
Thirty or forty years ago Sweetie had a “kink”
in her back, from all that heavy housework.
She asked, “Please help me put on this bra.”
I replied, “I don't know how to do that.”
She responded, “Just do the opposite
of what you usually do.”
And it worked!!!
==============
The young French lady would have been
considered exceptionally gorgeous
as she strolled along the Dordogne River,
even if she hadn't lost most of her swim suit.
==============
Our Travel concept includes:
If we have no schedule, we aren't late.
If we don't care where we are, we aren't lost.
If we can't see IT this trip, we'll see IT next time.
If we have no itinerary, we're just where we ought to be.
==============
Most Countries have
“Traffic Laws and Regulations.”
Italy has
“Traffic Hints and Suggestions.”
==============
The flight was just like any other
12 hours spent like
toothpaste in a tube,
sardines in a can,
peas in a pod.
==============
What a fascinating place for these people to live!
What a fascinating place for us to visit!
==============
Can you imagine the billions of dollars spent at
McDonald's restaurants each year, by people
who just stopped to use the “McDonald's.”
==============
The older I get, the better I was.
==============
I am in such physical condition that I can touch my knees
without even bending my elbows.
==============
The advantage of not graduating
from high school or college,
includes the right not to care
who wins a ball game.
==============
Years ago I was too dumb to know how smart I was.
==============
I told several waitresses in Las Vegas that
I just loved the material used to make their uniforms.
They said, “The material?”
I responded, “Yes, it shrank so nicely.”
==============
At a tennis match, a lady was wearing
a shirt, with a printed message.
She said, “Do you like my message?”
I said, “No, but I love the message board!”
==============
Wouldn't you rather
trust everyone all of the time and be
wrong once in a while,
than trust no one at any time, and be
right once in a while.
==============
It's amazing how many ridiculous,
stupid, ignorant, inefficient,
obnoxious people you will meet,
when you are in a bad mood.
==============
How can you be that dumb, and still eat so well?
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Name and picture catching.
The everlasting joys of travel,
an added reward for years of exploration.
==============
Our European trips proved, “It's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't want to live there,”
is not a cliché, it's the truth.
==============
Curiosity as to how people live and work,
is just as intelligent as the curiosity that leads
to the study of the contents of an art museum.
==============
It is just as important to know what you are against,
as it is to know what you are for.
==============
What makes you think doing something worthless,
is better than doing nothing at all?
==============
Going to a college in New York City to learn about the
political health of the USA,
is like going to a Doctor for a physical exam,
and he only looks at your armpits!
==============
Remember, to each his own.
See what is of interest to you.
We give commentary, not itinerary.
==============
It ain't what you got,
it's what you do with it that counts.
==============
If I type a few paragraphs
and no one reads them,
have I really written anything?
But I enjoyed doing it.
==============
Clothes on a hanger.
Goodies in the refrigerator.
We know who used the toilet last.
That's the seal of approval for RV travel.
==============
One time I gambled,
and there was good news and bad news.
The good news, I doubled my money.
The bad news, I only bet a nickel.
==============
A selective memory is a great thing.
I can't tell you much about it,
since I have one,
I can't remember what it is.
==============
What is the difference between a cane and a walking stick?
Answer, “Twenty years.”
==============
If I did a job twice, I wanted it to be because
I did it wrong the first time.
Not just because it was Tuesday again.
==============
We don't say our way is the only, the best,
or even an acceptable way to travel,
for anyone but us.
==============
The ideas of freedom are so ingrained in human nature,
no debriefing or retraining was needed
when the Berlin Wall fell.
They knew instinctively how freedom works.
==============
If you cut a tree, plant a tree.
If you dig a hole, fill a hole.
(Me in third grade.)
==============
If it wasn't for all the rain,
the countryside wouldn't look nearly
so nice as it will, if we ever get here when
it isn't raining.
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I don't remember what the sign said.
Maybe I thought I was on a Scottish ferry and
L-a-d-i-e-s spelled “Laddies.”
==============
The street-lady exclaimed,
“You brought a wife to Amsterdam!”
==============
The barber was a blond
with soft, warm hands.
That's better than either
a 110 or 220 volt shaver.
==============
The pretty red-haired nurse could cause
problems in a Heart Hospital.
After an operation the patient might
wake up and see her,
and think he had died and gone to Heaven.
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A picture is worth a thousand words.
A visit is worth a thousand pictures.
The video is priceless.
==============
I looked in the mirror the old ladies had purchased and said,
“Wow, what a wonderful picture you bought,
who painted it, Michelangelo?”
They laughed so hard they
almost fell off the bench.
==============
At a movie in Manila, in 1946
I thought some artist had painted
a beautiful night scene on the ceiling.
Then I noticed, the moon had moved!!
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People complain about the
idle-rich, and the idle-poor.
The one because they are idle,
The other because they are rich.
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Remember all the time you spent on
frivolous things like eating and sleeping,
when you could been hugging and kissing.
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Did the builders specifically design the elegance,
or did they just build in the style of that day, and the beauty
“… is in the eye of the beholder.”
==============
If you want to see an antique,
just look in the mirror.
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If the marriage is good, there is nothing better,
If the marriage is bad there is nothing worst.
That last comment is a rumor I have heard,
in 55 years I did not experience that for even a moment.
==============
Dorothy Parker said it first:
“The cure for Boredom is curiosity.
There is no cure for Curiosity.”
She must have said it about me.
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